Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
