The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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