You made me cry and you don't even care
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just found a bag of teeth...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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