They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
