Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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