I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
