the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
