Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
