walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
