I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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