had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
