Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
