Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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