I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
