this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
