I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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