is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
