if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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