The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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