yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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