You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
