I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
