Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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