You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
