i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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