you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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