Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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