you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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