I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
