i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
