my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
