had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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