I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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