I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
