I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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