Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
