she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
50% drunk capacity currently
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
