I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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