no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
