My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
