I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
