Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
