Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
