I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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