im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
