I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
