I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
