I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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