hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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