speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
