I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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