We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
