I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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